Before I start, there are a few things you should know about me if you don't already (if you've been around me for 5 minutes you would have noticed these things). First, I am an extreme pessimist and second I am never happy in the moment and I am always looking for the next thing to do. I just can't live in the moment and I am always planning, looking forward to, or worried about the next event or step in life.
These attributes about myself and my wife's latest post on her blog have caused me to question what kind of a father I am.
Here's the problem, I don't feel like a dad. I don't feel like an adult or husband either. When I was in college, I didn't even feel like a student.
For my entire life I was always looking forward to the next stage of my life. I would say things will be better when...I get married, have a kid, start MCC, Rutgers, or TCNJ. Every time I got to the next stage it did not live up to my expectations or I didn't feel like I fit the role.
For example, like most kids I looked forward to driving my whole life and when I was finally able to drive I had to deal with, traffic, paying for gas, car accidents, car maintenance, etc. Now I don't like driving, so Celine does most of it.
Whenever I assume a new role, I never feel like I fill it. I never felt like a good student in college, I just felt like an impostor pretending to be a good student.
Now, after reading Celine's blog and her comment of how I sent Clavin back to bed, it feels like I was just pretending to be a parent. It just seems like when I act like a father I just end up winging a lot of stuff or pretending to be a good parent.
I just wonder if other people who are great teachers, parents, or are good at some role in their lives, if they feel like they are or if they feel just like me - like they have everyone fooled, like they are just acting the part.
Monday, October 15, 2007
The Fight to be a Good Dad
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4 comments:
I did, and do, feel like a pretender at some things. I was always no good at school--everyone told me so and there wasn't really any doubt I was lousy at it. But when I started to try and to work hard, I got good grades and became a good student.
Still, I was surprised when I got good grades or when someone would say something about me being a good student. I would think, "Who, me? No way. I've always been a bad student." The more people told me I was a good student the more I thought about. I have told myself not to be surprised when I do well because I am a good student and worked hard for it.
I think that self-talk and optimism are the best ways to live in the moment and really enjoy and feel good about your abilities. As for you being a parent pretending...you may be winging it sometimes because this is your first child, but I have no doubt that you are a good dad. Ryan and I only got to spend a little time watching you be a parent, but we have talked about how good you are at being a dad. You love Calvin so much and have fun with him. Talk yourself up and quit being a pessimist bro.
It's interesting to see how we are similar in ways I never would have noticed if it were not for your blog.
If you don't plan so much you might have a better time living in the moment. Planning may pay off in the future, but procrastination pays off now.
I've thought about this concept as well, but I like the way you put it into words. I guess it's just like they say: Fake It Till You Make It.
It's also noteworthy that some people (or donkeys) fake helplessness, to get out of doing things.
i don't know about faking, i think it is more like forcing. i'm a selfish fellow, in order to be a decent father, husband, etc. selfishness won't work. sometimes i force myself to be unselfish and sometimes i fail.
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