Banana Bread

My brother does a post on his blog called Donkey Dialogue. He writes down funny conversations that he has with his wife. Whenever I have a interesting conversation with my wife I always mean to post it but never do. But since I am sitting in font of the computer there is no reason not to.

Me: I am still really hungry do we have anything to eat?

Wife: Not really. Do you want me to make a cake?

Me: No but could you make banana bread.

Wife: No I don't like banana bread.

Me: WOW ok nevermind.

Wife: What? Do you want me to make banana bread?

Me: Double WOW! No I don't. What in the world made you think I wanted banana bread?

The Big Leg

When Calvin is feeling feisty he will look at me at say, "I want to westle daddy". So I will wrestle around with him which is fun but he has this special move he pulls out when he sees I am down for the count. He will reach around my head grab my nose and yank my head back. I tap out everytime after that move.

Cake

Before Celine went on her 6 day trip to Spain everyone was asking me if I was ready or nervous about Celine being gone, leaving me alone with the kids. I was not nervous because I knew it would be no sweat.

Truthfully the first couple of days were a little difficult because I was really sick and so were the 2 kids, but it was still no big deal. Sure I only got 3 hours of sleep a couple of nights, but I pulled through it and kept the house clean, I mean really clean, and made breakfast, lunch, and dinner everyday.

Once we started feeling better I was even able to bring the kids out to the store which was also easy and no big deal. I will say the hardest thing about being a single, stay at home dad is the boredom. Which is actually beneficial because I was so bored I spent a lot of time cleaning, cooking, and playing games with the kids.

Anyway, being a stay at home dad is cake, and I really don't understand in movies and TV when they make the father a complete fool when it comes to running a household.

King Of The House

Calvin has entered a stage of disobedience. The other day, Celine went to play soccer and left me with the two boys for an hour. No big deal, right? Well, she left and Calvin decided to pull a Hilts on me. I was making cookies and went out to the living room and he was gone. I eventually found him playing with his friends outside.

Then, I put him in his room for a few minutes and started to give Harrison a bath in the sink. Things are going good, and I let Calvin out of his room and he sits on the counter in the bathroom and helps me give Harrison a bath. Then, he picks up Celine's perfume. I told him to put it down and not to touch it. I then turn my attention back to Harrison when I hear a thud and Calvin starts screaming bloody murder. I think he just hit his head, but I shortly realize that he sprayed himself in the eye with the perfume, to which I respond, "I told you not to touch that" He then got to be sprayed in the face with water because I was trying to rinse it out, but I am not sure spraying immense amounts of water in my son's face after having alcohol sprayed in it was the best thing to do.

But I will say - I still go dinner served, the dishes done, bath completed, and most importantly, cookies made, all within an hour. King of the house!

Tha Battle At The Bathtub

Although giving Calvin a bath has become easier, it is still very difficult to wash his hair. He will sit and play in the bathtub by himself for 20 minutes then I will tell him bath time is over. At this time I soap him down and rinse him off and every other day I wash his hair. At the end of every bath when I start to soap him up he looks at me and very seriously tells me, "Daddy no wash my hair.ok?...ok daddy. no wash my hair...OK." His pleas become more desperate the longer I wait to respond. On the days I inform him that I will not wash his hair he is ecstatic but for those unlucky days when I tell him we have to wash his hair he becomes very distraught and when I actually do wash his hair I feel like I am an interrogator performing some kind of water boarding torture. I am sure the neighbors think the same thing when they hear Calvin cry and complain about getting his hair washed but as soon as it's over he is right as rain and ready to go downstairs and watch "Monster Buster Club" ((his TV program) and drink his milk. Anyway the point of the post is that to combat this situation I have purchased a snorkeling mask to avoid any soap or water from getting in his eyes while washing his hair. I have yet to implement the new weapon though because while he will put on the mask in the tub he will not let me wash his hair with it on.

Mechanization

To combat many daily battles I have decided to become mechanized. We purchased a scooter. It is a Honda Activa, and I chose it because it is what all the delivery guys drive and so I assume it will be reliable and it was cheap and also it will sell easily when we leave. The night I got it I drove it about 40 minutes. I was driving through the city, making my way to the highway, feeling so cool on my scooter when I noticed a guy driving in the next lane with a dog on the back of his scooter with its front paws on the guys shoulders. To top it off, the dog was wearing sunglasses and to add insult to injury, it was at night so the stupid dog didn't even need the glasses. To one up this guy I am going to drive around with Calvin on my shoulders and Harrison on his and they will both be wearing sunglasses.

War Of The Watches

I have never been successful at owning a watch. I have purchased scores of them over the years but they never last for various reasons. I usually get cheap watches, but about a year ago I got a decent watch and I was out in the rain the other day and the rain got into the watch and broke it. I also bought my wife a watch for Christmas last year and it broke. I bought a watch with a leather strap also last year because I wanted a watch to wear when I was outside hiking around but because I have little girl wrists, it doesn't really fit even though I make it as tight as it will go. I guess I could poke another hole in the strap but that seems so ghetto. I wouldn't even carry a watch if I didn't have this bizarre obsession with knowing what time it is. I bet Jack doesn't have these problems.

Bug Battles

For some reason the bugs live forever out here and it is buggin me out. Just last night I was bit by a masquito. Are you kidding me!!! December and masquitos are still alive. Also there are still flies everwhere. Last year I was successful in winning the war with the ants by spraying two large bottle of insect killer all over the house right before we left for summer break. I don't think that is an option for these troublesome airborne attackers. I will just use the USA tactic for defedning against a nuclear attack and duck and cover.

Note: I will no longer have my wife edit my post because it takes to long so get ready for rushed sloppy reading filled with grammatical mistakes.

Diaper Debacles

Diaper Changing 101:

Stand or sit on the side of the baby or elderly person while changing a diaper. The reason is simple if their is release of fluids it will not hit you. Simple, right?

Fantastico Onomastico

I went to the Social Security website to check out how popular Harrison's name is and was and this is what I found.

Harrison:

Definition:

The boy's name Harrison \ha-rri-son\ is pronounced HARE-ee-sun. It is of Old English origin, and its meaning is "son of Harry." Actor Harrison Ford.
Harrison has 3 variant forms: Harris, Harriss and Harrisson.

The name of two American presidents William Henry Harrison (1773-1841) and his grandson Benjamin Harrison or as some called him BHarry(1833-1901).

Popularity:

2007: 225 of 1000

More Popular: Jacob 1, Daniel 5, David 12, Logan 17, Thomas 51, Owen 56, Jason 59, Xavier 68

Less Popular: Pedro 229, Calvin 230, Phillip 295, Ron 292, Chris 350, Rishi 958

History: 1908 makes its debut at 283. 1970 hits its low at 970. 1997 hits its most popular at 181.

Hobbes:

Definition: The boy's name Hobbes \ho(b)-bes\ is of Old English origin. Variant of Robert (Old English, Old German) "bright fame." Thomas Hobbes was a 17th-century English philosopher. The popular cartoon stuffed tiger created by Bill Watterson was named after him.
Hobbes has 2 variant forms: Hob and Hobbs.

Popularity:

Has never been in the top 1000 names.

Operation: Pongo Pygmaeus

I will undertake another operation soon. This will be a deep cover long term operation. So I don't blow my cover I am not going to release any details on the operation until after the mission. I just wanted you all to being waiting and anticipating the results of Operation: Pongo Pygmaeus.

Hindi!!!

Hindi means "turkey" in Turkish...

The bus to the grocery store left without me the other day, so I had to walk 40 minutes to the supermarket. When I got there I was all pumped up from the walk and in a bad mood. I walked over to the poultry section and tried to look for turkey (the meat). I noticed a worker, so I decided to try out my Turkish. He was bent down, so I leaned over in his ear and screamed "Nerede hindi?" (Where is the Turkey) I am not sure why I thought I had to scream for him to understand me, like I said, my brain was not functioning properly because of the adrenaline. He then looks at me and in English says, "Yes, some time we have turkey." Because he did not show me where it was I assumed he didn't know what I was saying, so I say even louder and very slowly "Turkey, I need turkey," and then I said, "TUR-KEY" and pointed to my shopping list with the word "hinidi" on it. He then says "Yes, hindi means turkey in Turkish."

I then realize what I am doing, move away and speak in a normal voice and ask him to show me where the turkey is. He then points right in front of my face, at the turkey. I thank him and walk away. After a few steps, I was confronted with a staggering and horrible realization...I am one of those people.

Frisked

I think Calvin has the potential of being a cop or criminal. He has come to the realization that more often than not I have treats in my pockets. Sometimes he suspects a treat by hearing plastic crinkle in my pocket, but he will routinely search me whether he has probable cause or not.

He will walk up to me and dip his hand in my pocket searching for gum, candy, or some other treat. He will systematically check all of my pockets, even my shirt pocket. If he finds something, he will say thanks and proceed to eat it, and if he finds nothing or just an empty wrapper he will grill me to make sure I am not holding out on him.

EB Police

My wife is the Eye Booger (EB) police. Whenever I have an EB she will target and attack it within seconds disregarding any protests I put up for her to stop. She also doesn't care if eyelashes or skin are extracted along with the "EB."

The bigger problem here is that she does it to Calvin and he sees her do it to me, so now he thinks he is a Jr. EB Detective, so whenever he is close to me and sees an EB he starts to claw at my eyes.

Hello Bobby

As Calvin grows older and more sophisticated, I come up with more sophisticated ways to entertain myself while trying to also entertain him.

Today, I was in an elevator with Calvin that had a mirror on one side. While we were looking in the mirror at our reflections, I decided to help Calvin's imagination by introducing him to his mirror, alter ego "Bobby." For the rest of the day, every time we saw our reflections, I would say, "There's Bobby again, say hi." He would then respond with, "No that's me." After a while he decided to play along and entertain his old man. He now has a good relationship with "Bobby" and sometimes even asks to say hi to him. By the way, my mirror alter ego's name is Joe.

He didn't want anymore pictures taken of Bobby.

Talkie Talkie, No More Talkie!

My sister has been staying with us and it has been going well, however, she talks a lot. As most of you know I don't talk that much, so when Celine and I were here last year she would come home from work and talk about her day for an hour non-stop, and I would lazily listen to her.

Now that my sister is here, Celine comes home and talks to me for an hour, and after realizing I am non-responsive she turns to my sister. Then, they talk for the rest of the night.

I have someone from the female persuasion talking my ear off everywhere I turn. Even if they are not talking directly to me, they talk to each other and that is just as bad. There is one good thing that comes from this: Celine gets her talkie fix from my sister, and I don't have to put up with her bad mood when I don't feel like listening.

Shaving Corners

I have been devising ways to save money over the next year, because we were a bit over our budget this past year for a variety of reasons. One way I have found to save money is shaving my own head. Here is how it breaks down, 4 bottles of shampoo 20$, 10 hair cuts 100$. By shaving my own hair I will be saving 120$ for the year. For others who are considering this option to save money, keep in mind it could be more if you usually buy conditioner or hair product. For women, the savings could be in the thousands.

Attack From Above

My wife spends two weeks at the beach with her family every summer and this summer was no exception. I usually try to go down for a lot of the time too, but this summer I was too busy working like a dog and trying to hang out with my brother who I haven't seen for almost three years and won't see for at least another one.
While my wife was at the beach I went and picked up our son for the night, so he could hang with my family a little. I brought him back the next day and was planning on spending the night with him and my wife at the beach house before returning home.
When I got to the beach, my wife was not with her parents on the beach, but down the beach a half mile watching the surfers, so I put Calvin on my shoulders and headed out to meet her. When half-way to our destination I get attacked from aerial bombardment, or what I would call a saturation bombing. Calvin decided to pee on me. I felt a warm, wet sensation running down my neck and back and it took a second to realize I had been hit. Then, a second later Calvin says, "Oh pee pee daddy pee pee!" to which I responded, "Thanks I know."
I actually contemplated hanging out for a while anyway and letting it dry, because pee is sterile right? That was a little too gross for me, which is saying a lot, so I left - pissed off.

Pain In My Back!

My back has been killing me lately. Not only do I have to deal with my pain I have to deal with a doubting wife who thinks it a phantom pain. I am about to get my phantom round house kick on.

Day 5 of Op and Debriefing

Day 5
6:00-I woke up with Calvin and made breakfast.
8:00-Another nice goodbye.
1:30-The wife and I get on a bus to go to the doctors.
3:00-I can't take being nice and positive anymore. I give up and tell the wife about the mission and what's been going on. She was actually not too mad.

The Debriefing:
Over the last four and a half days I dedicated every moment to being the perfect husband. I discovered that my actions and attitudes affect my wifes happiness. I was able to successfully increase her happiness, but that did not result in her treating me any different or increasing my happiness.
Before the mission I put 55% effort into being a good husband and she put 65% into being a good wife. During the mission I put in 100% and she put in 60%. So in economic terms I did not get a positive return on my investment. As sad as it is it does not pay to be nice.