MOVE!!!

A few years ago Jimmy Falon had a funny skit on SNL called the "Nick Burns The Computer Guy". Well I ran into the real life version of him at work. I run the movie club, so every Thursday I set the movie up before the kids get there.

This past Thursday the door was locked, so I had to go to the computer guy to get him to open it. He said he would and then started to walk incredibly fast to the conference room where we show the movies. He was taking two steps at a time up the stairs case. I don't know what his rush was but after he opened the door and we both went to the DVD player he grabbed the DVD from my hand and started to set stuff up. It was really annoying because every time I tried to do something like start the movie, fix the volume, or turn on the subtitles he was there literally taking the remote out of my hand and trying to do it.

The real annoying part was this guy had no idea how to use it because he is not the computer guy who usually works with it. I couldn't tell him to bugger off because he didn't really speak English. I guess the moral of the story is the annoying computer guy is not limited to any border.

I bet he wouldn't have treated Jack like that.

I showed my students The Princess Bride last week and they loved it. I was trying to think of another movie to show them at the end of the year but so far allI have come up with is Willow. Any idea?

The Battle Of The Desk Rages On

We reorganized the desks in my office. Before, I was off to the side with my desk next to another teacher I work with. Then, it was decided this was a bad idea for reasons which are still unclear to me. So all the desks of the teachers from my grade level were put into one big heap. It think this was a cleverly planned tactic used to get my desk close to everyone else's because my desk is always clean and empty, so the other teachers can use my desk as a work desk. Now every time I come into the office, there is stuff all over my desk: papers, projects, food, and all kinds of nonsense. My next game plan is to fill up my desk with tons of trash, so it can't be used as a storage center. But what should I put on it?

Norm McDonald

I was in another less effective meeting the other day. The Dean, counselor, and all of the teachers for the class were there. I am still unsure about the point of the meeting, because all the teachers did was complain about the kids and then the meeting was over with no goals or resolutions on how to improve the students' education.

Anyway the counselor at one point said that if a student is professionally diagnosed with a learning disability, but the student gets above a 70% then the diagnosis was wrong and the student does not have a learning disability.

Wow! That's great news. I guess after all the years of struggling through school, I don't have a learning disability after all, maybe I was just lazy. Thank goodness this counselor was there to set things straight. I better tell the world about this. What a breakthrough in educational psychology.

I will say, it may be that something got lost in translation because the translator who was translating the meeting for me would wait 5 minutes and then give me a one sentence summary of what was said. I think her translation of the counselor was accurate though because they have come up with other ingenious ideas and insights very similar to this one before.

No Thank You!!!

I was doing a workshop at school on blogs and I started the session talking about my family. I had a picture of my family on a power point and and then used them as an example for my main point.

The real story happened before the meeting. A few women, including my teaching partner, were looking at the picture and making comments. I had them play the "who is the oldest in the family" game. They guessed Tom, Me, Mike, and then I told them it was Chris.

But the best part was when my partner turns to me and asks if any of the brothers are not married and I reply "Yes." She then points to one and says, "Is he married?" and I tell her he is.

Then I point to a different brother and say, "But he is not,"and she responds with: "No thank you."

Sorry Bro.

Can't Fight The Sickness

It is still the first month of school and I already have a cold. I was hoping I would have better luck this year and avoid being sick so much. These kids are sick all the time and they come into class sneezing and coughing all over the place. Maybe I should walk around with a mask over my face.

Rosenberg or Brutus

There has been a new development in the movie activity I supervise. A fourth teacher was added, because all of his other choices were full. He is a new teacher and lives on campus with his family, so I am glad he is in, but still kind of bummed the other treacher is out. Not only did she not get movie activity she got stuck in the library activity - one of the worst activities to do.

I told the new guy how good the movie activity is and got him hyped up for it, but then the next day when the women in my office found out that a fourth teacher was added, I then suggested to my commrade that she offer to switch activities. I have found myself in a sticky situation. No matter what happens I will feel bad and will think the other person deserved the coveted spot in the movie activity.

The question is how will history remember my betrayal.

Casualty

Every year we have to choose an activity to do during the last period on Thursdays. We write our three choices down on paper and then the admin gives us whatever is available. Last year, I chose movie club, and it was awesome. All we did was show movies and there were only 15 kids in it and 3 teachers. Last year, the 2 other teachers and myself said we would do it again next year. To ensure I got movie club again, I put it as my first choice and then put 2 fake choices knowing that the admin would not have time to sort it out and they would stick me in movie club again. The other teacher only put 1 choice, but the third female teacher put 2 other real choices, so they put another teacher. I feel bad for our lost teacher, but sometimes you gotta leave a man behind. Sorry - your on your own sista.

Smoke Screen

At the end of last year the government banned smoking in public places, so our campus became "smoke free." We used to have a smoking room where the teahcers would go to get their fix. Now the teachers have to sneak off school campus and into our lojman area in order to smoke.

I always see them huddled in the bushes puffing away on the cigarettes when I go home for lunch. I must admit - I love it. I love that they have to sneak around and hide their habit like some kind of criminal.

Operation Guppy

As many of you know my back has taken a downward spiral as of last year. I think this was in part due to sitting in a poor designed chair. Today I was able to switch my office chair with a chair in the photocopy room.

I walked down into the basement, to the room with my chair, and when I got there I pointed to my chair and then pointed to the chair next to the two men that run the photocopy machines. They nodded their heads "yes," so I switched the chairs.

A few minutes later, they phoned my office and talked to a Turkish woman and she said that the chair wouldn't fit under the table where they do some of their work.

Tasting victory I was not going to give up that easy, so I acted quickly and went off the grid. I went black ops and stole a green chair from the teacher's lounge and brought it down to the men. They asked me where I got it, and I told them from my office (this communication was mostly done with grunts and gestures), so they let it slide. I will be expecting to get a call any time that will expose my international war crimes.

No More Drama In My Life

I can't wait for the summer, so I can get away from the drama here. The entire year has been filled with drama in my department. My department has 29 teachers in it and I am the only man. It seems every week there is a new feud or something. I am usually just a bystander. No offence to women, but they just can't let things go. I won't bore you with the endless stories, but let me say I can't believe adults in a professional environment act this way.

The Flood Gates

I have gotten used to working in a unpredictable environment. The school I work for is not very organized, so I will find plans have changed for the day at the last minutes.
Today I was teaching when I heard the marching band playing in the foyer of the school. I go to look over the balcony into the foyer to see the marching band playing away. It was so loud I couldn't hear a teacher standing next to me.
I turned to go back to my class when all the doors in the hallway opened and a sea of kids came screaming out. I had to claw my way up current to reach my students. I told them to stay in the classroom until the sea of children passed, so they could safely go and watch the marching band.

No I'm Spartacus!

I was walking down the hall to my secret bathroom when I happened upon a group of my students. There were about 10 boys looking over the railing, so I looked over and noticed that there was a milk box on the floor. Obviously one of them through it off the second story and tried to get it into the trash can.
I asked them who through it and in a moment of heroism they each replied, "I threw it!"-"No I threw it!" I am guessing non of them saw Spartacus otherwise they would have known their fate.

Sick Again!!!

I got another cold. These kids are killing me. I feel like I have been sick half the time I have been here.

The Great Escape

To keep my kids in line I give them detention during their recess. The 5th graders have a detention room where they are supposed to go, but I have noticed that they skip lunch and run out the back doors to avoid detention. I have countered this by waiting outside near the playground or going out and nabbing them when they are outside already.
My second graders don't have a detention room, so I have to go locate them on the playground and sit on a bench with them during their break.
The students have responded to my attempts at bringing them to justice by setting up a sophisticated alert system. The student in question will hide in the far away soccer field while look outs are posted around the playground. When I come out they will motion that I am coming allowing the student in question to escape, but I have since identified their escape routes and have had a 100% capture rate in the past two weeks.

A Good Defense

As you know I have lost the Battle for the Hallway. I have tried to avoid going into the hallway when the kids are out, but sometimes I can't avoid it. I have developed a new defense tactic for when I get stuck in the hallway with the kids. I have a water bottle that I carry with me and when the kids are running around me I use the bottle to deflect their bodies away from me. Instead of crashing into me they hit the water bottle and go running in a different direction. Problem solved.

Homey Don't Play Dat!

As I have mentioned before, I have an inherant need to rebel against authority. The school I am working at is constantaly having meetings. We had one yesterday that was from 3:30 to 5:00. My plan was to leave early, but I got stuck sittting next to my boss. The meeting was worse than when I was in the Army and stood in freezing rain all morning.

At 5:00pm I turned to my boss and said, "When does this meeting end?"

She responded with, "Now - but it looks like it will go late."

Then I said, "Peace Out!" and walked out leaving her with a puzzled look on her face. If she questions why I walked out, I will just tell her "Homey Don't Play Dat," and let her think on that for a while. It is the rudest thing to end a meeting late.

Mustachio Perfecto

I grew a mustache over the two week break and it looks awesome. It is so awesome that my second grade students insisted that it was fake.

The Battle for the Hallway is Lost!

As many of you know I have waged a war against to students in the hallways. They are crazy! They run around and act like maniacs. After four months on the front lines I have decided to retreat form this battle. A student ran into a teacher that I work with in the cafeteria making her drop her tray of food and the the kids just ran off. When walking in the hallway I always stay on the outside wall when turning a corner otherwise it is likely that a student will run right smack into me. I try to travel around the school when classes are going on.
Injuries observed so far (This is true)
10 broken arms
4 crutches
1 bloody face
20 (about) bruises and cuts on the face
50 (about) crying in the hallway
endless collisions and kids having karate fights
Most of the teachers and administration ignores this behavior and those teachers who try to control have been fighting a losing battle.

Last Man Standing

I have recently been told that I need to stay an extra hour on Wednesdays to teach study hall. The study hall was designed to help the students with their English. The real reason why the school is providing the study hall is so they can claim they did all the could when the law suites come from the parents. The parents always sue if their kid fails the 8th grade English exam.
I have been chosen to do the study hall because I live on campus and do not have a hour long commute home. At first I rejected this and told them I would not do it. After thinking about it for a while I decided to do it, because the school can be very sneaky about stuff.
The person in charge of study hall is all gun ho about it, but it is really lame and the kids miss behave, so she is trying to go crazy with it. I told her I would show up for the study hall, but I would do zero work for study hall outside of the hour, so that is how it was left after the heated meeting I had the other day.
I think a lot of the women were surprised to see that side of me.