Norm McDonald

I was in another less effective meeting the other day. The Dean, counselor, and all of the teachers for the class were there. I am still unsure about the point of the meeting, because all the teachers did was complain about the kids and then the meeting was over with no goals or resolutions on how to improve the students' education.

Anyway the counselor at one point said that if a student is professionally diagnosed with a learning disability, but the student gets above a 70% then the diagnosis was wrong and the student does not have a learning disability.

Wow! That's great news. I guess after all the years of struggling through school, I don't have a learning disability after all, maybe I was just lazy. Thank goodness this counselor was there to set things straight. I better tell the world about this. What a breakthrough in educational psychology.

I will say, it may be that something got lost in translation because the translator who was translating the meeting for me would wait 5 minutes and then give me a one sentence summary of what was said. I think her translation of the counselor was accurate though because they have come up with other ingenious ideas and insights very similar to this one before.

7 Soldiers

I went to Las Vegas this summer with 3 of my brothers. While we were roaming around the main strip, we came across a lot of people. My oldest brother would stop at every booth to try to get us into a time share presentation, because he wanted to get free tickets or free dinner vouchers. The only problem was they only accept couples. My brother tried to convince them that maybe the four brothers were two couples, but they saw right through that.

The best comment we got was from this gruff, older man. He was suprised to find out that we were all brothers and then more shocked when he learned my dad had 7 boys total to which he responded with, "Your dad has seven soldiers. Oh man, if I...well if I had seven soldiers boy I'm telling you...with seven boy soldiers I would...I can't believe that." He never said what he would do if he had seven boys, but he was laughing a little and had a strange look in his eyes.

Hindi!!!

Hindi means "turkey" in Turkish...

The bus to the grocery store left without me the other day, so I had to walk 40 minutes to the supermarket. When I got there I was all pumped up from the walk and in a bad mood. I walked over to the poultry section and tried to look for turkey (the meat). I noticed a worker, so I decided to try out my Turkish. He was bent down, so I leaned over in his ear and screamed "Nerede hindi?" (Where is the Turkey) I am not sure why I thought I had to scream for him to understand me, like I said, my brain was not functioning properly because of the adrenaline. He then looks at me and in English says, "Yes, some time we have turkey." Because he did not show me where it was I assumed he didn't know what I was saying, so I say even louder and very slowly "Turkey, I need turkey," and then I said, "TUR-KEY" and pointed to my shopping list with the word "hinidi" on it. He then says "Yes, hindi means turkey in Turkish."

I then realize what I am doing, move away and speak in a normal voice and ask him to show me where the turkey is. He then points right in front of my face, at the turkey. I thank him and walk away. After a few steps, I was confronted with a staggering and horrible realization...I am one of those people.

Satis-Smack-tion

I had two heaping bowls of Honey Smacks this morning or the Turkish equivalent anyway.

Two hours later I was going to the bathroom (Number 1-I know 2 is usually the hot issue here) and while I was standing at the urinal throwing water from my body I noticed a delicious sweet familiar scent. After a few seconds I realized it was me or my pee.

I had a lot of different smelling pee, but never pee that was Satis-Smack-tion.

No Thank You!!!

I was doing a workshop at school on blogs and I started the session talking about my family. I had a picture of my family on a power point and and then used them as an example for my main point.

The real story happened before the meeting. A few women, including my teaching partner, were looking at the picture and making comments. I had them play the "who is the oldest in the family" game. They guessed Tom, Me, Mike, and then I told them it was Chris.

But the best part was when my partner turns to me and asks if any of the brothers are not married and I reply "Yes." She then points to one and says, "Is he married?" and I tell her he is.

Then I point to a different brother and say, "But he is not,"and she responds with: "No thank you."

Sorry Bro.

Frisked

I think Calvin has the potential of being a cop or criminal. He has come to the realization that more often than not I have treats in my pockets. Sometimes he suspects a treat by hearing plastic crinkle in my pocket, but he will routinely search me whether he has probable cause or not.

He will walk up to me and dip his hand in my pocket searching for gum, candy, or some other treat. He will systematically check all of my pockets, even my shirt pocket. If he finds something, he will say thanks and proceed to eat it, and if he finds nothing or just an empty wrapper he will grill me to make sure I am not holding out on him.

EB Police

My wife is the Eye Booger (EB) police. Whenever I have an EB she will target and attack it within seconds disregarding any protests I put up for her to stop. She also doesn't care if eyelashes or skin are extracted along with the "EB."

The bigger problem here is that she does it to Calvin and he sees her do it to me, so now he thinks he is a Jr. EB Detective, so whenever he is close to me and sees an EB he starts to claw at my eyes.