That's A Stretch

Hollywood is making a Stretch Armstrong movie and Brian Grazer is directing. I am at a loss for words. It will be totally awesome or totally crappy.

Banana Bread

My brother does a post on his blog called Donkey Dialogue. He writes down funny conversations that he has with his wife. Whenever I have a interesting conversation with my wife I always mean to post it but never do. But since I am sitting in font of the computer there is no reason not to.

Me: I am still really hungry do we have anything to eat?

Wife: Not really. Do you want me to make a cake?

Me: No but could you make banana bread.

Wife: No I don't like banana bread.

Me: WOW ok nevermind.

Wife: What? Do you want me to make banana bread?

Me: Double WOW! No I don't. What in the world made you think I wanted banana bread?

The Big Leg

When Calvin is feeling feisty he will look at me at say, "I want to westle daddy". So I will wrestle around with him which is fun but he has this special move he pulls out when he sees I am down for the count. He will reach around my head grab my nose and yank my head back. I tap out everytime after that move.

Cake

Before Celine went on her 6 day trip to Spain everyone was asking me if I was ready or nervous about Celine being gone, leaving me alone with the kids. I was not nervous because I knew it would be no sweat.

Truthfully the first couple of days were a little difficult because I was really sick and so were the 2 kids, but it was still no big deal. Sure I only got 3 hours of sleep a couple of nights, but I pulled through it and kept the house clean, I mean really clean, and made breakfast, lunch, and dinner everyday.

Once we started feeling better I was even able to bring the kids out to the store which was also easy and no big deal. I will say the hardest thing about being a single, stay at home dad is the boredom. Which is actually beneficial because I was so bored I spent a lot of time cleaning, cooking, and playing games with the kids.

Anyway, being a stay at home dad is cake, and I really don't understand in movies and TV when they make the father a complete fool when it comes to running a household.

Called It!

I should make a list of all my entertainment predictions. I called this one years ago. They are remaking Red Dawn and the new Captain Kirk is going to play the lead it is due out in 2010.

WOLVERINES!!!

MOVE!!!

A few years ago Jimmy Falon had a funny skit on SNL called the "Nick Burns The Computer Guy". Well I ran into the real life version of him at work. I run the movie club, so every Thursday I set the movie up before the kids get there.

This past Thursday the door was locked, so I had to go to the computer guy to get him to open it. He said he would and then started to walk incredibly fast to the conference room where we show the movies. He was taking two steps at a time up the stairs case. I don't know what his rush was but after he opened the door and we both went to the DVD player he grabbed the DVD from my hand and started to set stuff up. It was really annoying because every time I tried to do something like start the movie, fix the volume, or turn on the subtitles he was there literally taking the remote out of my hand and trying to do it.

The real annoying part was this guy had no idea how to use it because he is not the computer guy who usually works with it. I couldn't tell him to bugger off because he didn't really speak English. I guess the moral of the story is the annoying computer guy is not limited to any border.

I bet he wouldn't have treated Jack like that.

King Of The House

Calvin has entered a stage of disobedience. The other day, Celine went to play soccer and left me with the two boys for an hour. No big deal, right? Well, she left and Calvin decided to pull a Hilts on me. I was making cookies and went out to the living room and he was gone. I eventually found him playing with his friends outside.

Then, I put him in his room for a few minutes and started to give Harrison a bath in the sink. Things are going good, and I let Calvin out of his room and he sits on the counter in the bathroom and helps me give Harrison a bath. Then, he picks up Celine's perfume. I told him to put it down and not to touch it. I then turn my attention back to Harrison when I hear a thud and Calvin starts screaming bloody murder. I think he just hit his head, but I shortly realize that he sprayed himself in the eye with the perfume, to which I respond, "I told you not to touch that" He then got to be sprayed in the face with water because I was trying to rinse it out, but I am not sure spraying immense amounts of water in my son's face after having alcohol sprayed in it was the best thing to do.

But I will say - I still go dinner served, the dishes done, bath completed, and most importantly, cookies made, all within an hour. King of the house!

It's a...

You know it is just bad timing when your body decides to sneeze and burp at the same instant. It is worse when you feel both coming on and can't stop it. I was thinking this bizarre phenomenon (that was a hard word to spell) needs a name. Any ideas?

The Charles Bridge In Prague

Prague

Down With The Laziness

I have been reprimanded for my lack of posting of late. Sorry I have been lazy the past few months. I feel uninspired to write or I put of writing the few brilliant ideas I do have. I believe this to be for two reasons

1. I hurt my shoulder which has made it very difficult to workout which you think would result in more free time and an increase in blogging but it has actually made me lazier, unmotivated, and apathetic to life.

2. My brother let me borrow a bunch of his DVDs when I went home last summer. I brought back a bunch of TV shows and after watching all the good ones I had to resort to watching the Gilmore Girls which he made me bring. I never intended to watch it but with so much free time and nothing else to do I reluctantly started to watch. The show has a lot of flaws but I got into it and actually enjoyed watching it quite a bit.

Number 16?

I just read an article on Entetainment Weeklys website that listed the top 20 heros of all time. Can you believe they put Jack Bauer at number 16? Who do they think they are? This is an outrage. Captain Kirk, Buffy, Harry Potter, and James Bond are some of the losers that beat out Jack. Here are some acceptable winners that beat out Jack are Jonh McClane, Dirty Harry, Mad Max, Indiana Jones, and Han Solo

http://www.ew.com/ew/gallery/0,,20268279_4,00.html

I showed my students The Princess Bride last week and they loved it. I was trying to think of another movie to show them at the end of the year but so far allI have come up with is Willow. Any idea?

Thanks But No Thanks!

Why do people get offended when I don't want their stuff? Too often when I refuse people's hospitality they get angry at me. If someone offers me food, gum, or some other item and I don't want it I will say in a polite voice, "No thanks." To which I get the following responses, "Come on" "You know you want it" "You can save it for later" "Don't be shy" etc. Well guess what foolio, if I wanted it I would have taken it, so no I don't want your gross gum that you pulled out of your too tight jeans and why would I carry around an Oreo cookie to eat at some future date and if there is one thing I am not shy about it is accepting things for free - especially food. So if I don't accept your goods it might be because of the following reasons...

1. You are gross, therefore it is only logical your goods are tainted.

2. I am not hungry or do not desire another pillow to lay on. One pillow is enough and by the way you can leave it on the ground if you want but it will just stay there all night.

3. I don't want to feel indebted to you, so when I have way better food I don't feel obliged to share.

4. I can go get my own goods if I want. Yea, that's right - because I am an adult now and if I want to go get some candy or a soda I will get in my car and go get it so stop trying to push your imitation root beer on me. It's nasty, and if I want to get root beer I will go get A&W from the store.

5. I just plain don't like you.


I understand the obligatory polite question if I would like to share or partake in something you have, but when I respond with the obligatory and polite decline of said item don't get huffy with me or I will go Woolbebazerk style all over you - sucker.

Slimed

This is me for most of our vacation in Italy. Calvin got sick and then me and Harrison got sick. I spent most of the vacation covered in mucus and throw-up and sometimes pee.

Summary of our trip:

1 day in Milan

1 day in Venice

5 days in Rome

4 days in Florence

Highlights

Duomo in Milan

St. Mark's Basilica

Doge's Palace

Colosseum

St. Peter's Basilica

Garibaldi Restaurant (Cheese Cake and Rabbit)

Gelato

Duomo in Florence

Low Lights

Sistine Chapel

It Rained about 4 days

Two trips to the hospital in Rome with Calvin

Little to no sleep

And let's not forget the train ride from Venice to Rome where Calvin threw-up on Celine and she just watched even when I was waving a bag in front of her face to catch the barf. The whole train car smelled, but I don't think people noticed because they got used to the smell. Then, when we were getting off the train Harrison was in the Bjorn and I had my hat in front of him ready to put it on my head when he barfed in it. Some girl from the train thought that was pretty funny.

Italy

Boiled Egg Debacles

I love boiled eggs. I like the yoke flaky and white part soft, not rubbery. I love to eat them plain or with salt, I love egg salad sandwiches and deviled eggs. I even like them during Easter after they have been dyed and the food coloring is on the egg under the shell. I have been battling with boiled eggs ever since I can remember because not matter what I do I can't make them right. You would think cooking boiled eggs would be super easy but it isn't. The perfect egg is just a myth. I have done everything I could - varied the cooking time and temperatures, put the egg in different temperature water, peeled the eggs right after cooking and I have also tried waiting. No matter what I do the white part is too rubbery or yoke too hard. The worst part, the absolute worst problem I have is when peeling the stupid egg. I can't get the shell separated from the white part and my egg looks pock marked.

Another problem with boiling eggs is the timing. I always forget them and overcook them. The best story I have about this is when I was living with a family in California, and I was boiling eggs one morning then I went about getting ready for the day and then left the house. I went back at lunch and when I came up to the house I saw firetrucks and a distraught looking landlord. I thought - wow did the house catch on fire. Then a fireman came out with a pot that had burnt eggs on the bottom. The pan was totally black and still smoking. The sad part is I kind of thought it was a little humorous because who calls the firemen because food got over cooked. This lady was extra crazy and I didn't feel bad about what happened. It makes me think I should feel bad about what happened, but I don't. I do feel bad that I can't make good boiled eggs, so the battle rages on.

Because Of You!!!

I have usually had negative interactions with people who work at the gym I would say the same is true for Police. There seems to be this need for ultimate submission and compliance for these two groups of workers. I will say that I am usually less then courteous when interacting with the Police and I can see dealing with idiots all day who don't listen and having to hear one doughnut joke after another would get annoying but what excuse do gym workers have to behave in a condescending, arrogant, and abrasive manor.

A few years ago I was visiting my brother out west and we went to his gym. I had mud on my shoes I tried to wipe them off on the pathetic excuse of a floor mat they had but the mud didn't come off and I didn't think to take them off and lick them clean. After working out for half an hour my brother and I noticed that there was a trail of mud and dried dirt at every piece of work out equipment we had been at and worse there was a trail of bread crumbs leading right to me and even worse was there were very few people in the gym. I went into the locker room to clean them off and then the manager who was this huge muscle-y guy walked in and looked at me and said, "Because of you I have mud all over my gym." For some reason this made me laugh which he didn't care for and then I said something along the lines of, "What do you think I am doing in here? I am cleaning my shoes, do you really think I did that on purpose." Then, I finished my work out making sure to give him dirty looks and saying things to make him mad during the rest of my work out. My brother and I would start our annoying comments with, "Because of you." But I really don't get it. They have this little person who walks around all day with a broom and dust pan or bottle and rag and cleans. Great, now they are making their money.

One of my brothers had a good story about the gym and hopefully he will indulge us by telling it.

For those of you who don't know, I invented a machine that can look into the future and take pictures, and this picture is one I took of my brother Tom.

Max Payne

I have decided to celebrate my 30th birthday by getting an MRI and finding out I will need shoulder surgery in the near future but for now I got shot up with cortisone.

I'm a lumberjack and that's ok...

A new study of the best and worst 200 jobs puts lumberjack at 200. The following beat it out dairy farmer, roustabout, nuclear decontamination tech. So sorry pops but good news Historian made it to number 7.